b'FEATUREBILLIE EILISHnow 21, who records and produces them inHas her internal world altered along with her his childhood bedroom in the modest two- external reality? She laughs. Something bed LA home Eilish still shares with her mumpeople say is, Im still the same me. I feelWhat do you expect and dad. She designs her own merchandise,like, no, youre not. You really are not. Not at controls her own styling, curates her ownall. How could you be? I honestly feel like Imfrom a 15-year-olds videosbut is still technically a child. At ana different person. You know when you seemouth? To not say a awards ceremony earlier this year, a camerastories about little kids whove had past lives? caught her sucking on a lollipop. I feel like that. I remember everything aboutbunch of dumb shit?who I was, but I dont recognise that person Eilish is by a long way the coolest humanany more. Around when I turned 16, I died, being I have ever met. The simultaneousand I got reincarnated as Billie Eilish.nonchalance and polish with which sheThe trouble is, people take everything she poses for the camera is breathtaking; sheWhat makes her meteoric rise so remarkablesays for some sort of fixed ideological has that mysterious quality of othernessis its defiance of the orthodoxy aboutposition. People are like, Oh, Billie Eilish, she that makes stardom look less like ambitionmainstream musical tastes. The musicsaid this and now she says this. Im like, bro! than destiny. She is clever, self-aware andindustry operates on the assumption thatI was 13 when all this started. What do you Photo_MTV Internationalsocially conscious, fortified by a self-beliefchildren want shiny bubblegum pop andexpect from a 15-year-olds mouth? To not too impregnable to becommodified sex appealsay a bunch of dumb shit?mistaken for conceit. but Eilishs work is Yet she can also beborderline arthouse,Everyone inferred from the Vanity Fair videos charmingly naive andWhen I turned 16,often dark and alwaysthat fame had already ruined her. And Im contradictory, just likesingular. How did shelike, bro, no! The first one was shot on a day any other child, andI died, and I gotknow that was what theywhen I had a photoshoot, I had glam hair, I at lunch sits gawkilyreincarnated asreally wanted? I wasntwhen I tried to be like everyone else. I triedhad just eaten. The second one, I had just cross-legged on acreating my brand orto fit in. I remember shopping at the storeswoken up, so looked tired. It wasnt like, I was sofa, burping loudly,Billie Eilish trying to break the rules.where other people shop, I started talkinghappy and now the industry has destroyed and accidentally dropsI wasnt doing somethingdifferent, I tried to change my laugh, becauseme. No, the industry is great! This is all I ever a diamond into herto make kids like me. II always had a deeper voice. It was thewanted to do.scrambled tofu. just literally did what Iworst year ever. It made me miserable, and wanted. Thats the only reason it worked. it also made me annoying, because it wasntOf course, success is not uncomplicated. She still hasnt got used to the thrill of gettingauthentic. But that year I thought, oh my God,Shes had no time to write anything new since stuff free. Its crazy. Jewellery, clothes,Her appeal extends far beyond her teenI have to be someone else, because I am theNovemberand knows its going to be hard shoes, nailsyou can just get it. Thats f******fanbase; everywhere I travelled in the weekworst. to keep writing relatable songs when literally dope! If I knew that when I was 11? Herafter we met, people kept telling me hownothing about my life is normal any more.eyes widen. All I wanted was a pair of Nikes,much they loved her. To be equally popularIm fascinated by how her fame must have and I couldnt afford them. And now I havewith a middle-aged Jamaican estate agent, aaltered the family dynamic. The four are soEighteen months ago she would have said hundreds in my house. Unreal. Yet she cantSwedish logistics manager and a Wall Streetclose that until Finneas turned 10, they allshe had at least 15 truly close friends. Maybe nip out for groceries without being mobbed,banker, without trying to please anyone, isused to share one bedbut he is now hermore. Dude, I used to have friends on friends and needs a security team to go anywhere ina feat beyond the wildest dreams of mostproducer, her dad is her stage lighting directoron friends on friends. I was popular as hell. public. marketing professionals, and Eilish pulled itand her mum is her assistant. In other words,And now? The smile fades. One. Two. I ask off without compromise. I wonder if shed bethey all work for the youngest in the family what happened. Her voice drops unhappily. I a Billie Eilish fan too, were she someone else,so who is in charge? Im in charge, she saysdont know. People dont like my job. I cant and she grins. firmly. But then Ive always been in charge.tell anyone about it. Because either it sounds That sounds annoying, but I was just bossy aslike Im bragging, or it sounds like Im being I spend so much time thinking about that.f***. Ive always been the boss. The prospectungrateful. Ive started going to therapy, If I saw me Id think, oh my God, shesof turning 18 in December and assuming fullbecause its the only person I can talk to.dope. Like, look at her outfit, dude! I think Ilegal control of her career doesnt faze her would think I was so cool. But I would alsoone bit. Now I think I could handle it. I cantHas trust become a problem? A huge one. think I was really annoying. Because? Ido this for ever with my family, and I wouldntSome really close friends last year that I have always hated people who are like me.want to, and I dont think they would want to. thought I could trust completely just used the Whenever I meet someone with a similarf*** out of my name. And then complained personality to me, I think, Eeww, shut up! IControl matters so much, and success hasabout it. I was like, what are yall doing? I just always wanted to be the only one doingcome at such a pace, that Eilish is alreadydont know who to trust any more. For a me. chafing against the constraints of the publicwhile she worried, too, about how to know image she herself created. She used to enjoyif a boy was really interested in her or Billie Does she ever doubt her own creativepeople finding her intimidating, But over timeEilish. But I think I nailed that, she grins. I judgment? She shakes her head. Ive alwaysits kind of become a thing, Billie Eilish, theknow Ive got somebody who is not like that. just known what I wanted. Always. The onlycreepy, weird, scary girl. And I dont like that.She has a boyfriend? Mm-hmm, she nods time it was different was when I was 11 and 12,Its lame. I just dont want to stay one thing. happily. But no one else knows that.12 SEPTEMBER 2019 HEYMUSIC.COM 13'